I hate when someone tags you in a facebook picture that you look like garbage in, and you know people you haven’t seen in a long whole are going “ugh so that’s what she really looks like.” But then you have anxiety about removing the tag because you don’t want to offend the person who took the picture.
I like having control over the pictures I post of myself. Now I can just hear everyone going, “wow she looks awful.”she looks anorexic.” “she looks like shit.”
I like very much to be flying under the radar these days and only associate with myself with very few people who know the reasons why I look like shit- because I’m sick. Not because I’m starving myself or because I’m on drugs, though I know I probably appear that way.
Ugh, not fair. Not what I like waking up to.
Do you guys ever just feel like you don’t belong? Like nothing really makes sense and you have no idea why you’re here?
I’ve had a rough day between really not feeling well, having to work with someone I’m not fond of, and coming home to realize I have one friend, that I’ve lost most of mine throughout the years. I can’t believe how many friends I thought I had when really, I guess I had none. I sometimes can’t shake this feeling that everyone hates me, or that they all have some conspiracy against me. If I didn’t have my boyfriend or family or faith, I think I would have killed myself by now, for certain.
When you’re this sick all the time, you look at people who fight over stupid shit and want to punch them in the face. You start to really notice the overwhelming and unnecessary evil in this world, and it’s a real downer. Some days it’s really hard for me to shut my eyes at night knowing there are children starving to death and that there are plenty of people who are more than able to help that aren’t doing a fucking thing about it. How there are so many crooked companies trying to poison us, steal our money, shut down smaller companies, force their ideas and agendas down our throats. Unnecessary wars all for power and money. So many people dying so others can simply reap the profit. There is so much bad, I can hardly take it. I try to remember the good, but I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders and it crushes me.
I don’t want to be told this is depression and be given a pill. Why is it wrong to be sad about the gross failures of humanity? Why can’t I grieve for starving children or be sad about war or manufactured illnesses?
I don’t know why I’m here or what I’m supposed to do, and it’s causing a bit of a crisis. I know that I’m very sick and I probably don’t have a lot of time left. Why is it that when I finally realized how much I want and need to help people, I’m practically bed bound and can’t? It’s a maddening realization.
To quote someone else on one of the medical forums I’m a part of:
"I hope the next world is kinder."
Young Loki/Sif living in Asgard and Loki teasing her for not being girly enough because he has a crush on her but he ends up getting beat up and not giving a shit about it because wow she’s amazing